Inspired by ‘The Cool Girl Monologue’ (Gone Girl, 2014; Directed by David Fincher).

I should’ve known that it wouldn’t work out between us. We were too different, too incongruous. And no matter what transpired among us, there was always one lingering question: were we ever truly in love? You fell for someone who never existed; I was never real. You loved my façade, my mask. You never really knew who I was. You thought I was the ‘Fun Bottom’, and I made you fall for it. 

I wasn’t like the other guys you’d dated, or in other words, I wasn’t like the other bottoms. You said this yourself. You used this compliment often, as if it were a blessing for me to be viewed in this way. And I was supposed to revel in it, rejoice in my worthiness of being your mate. So that’s exactly what I did. I played into this persona and became a stranger to myself. 

I was the Fun Bottom. 

The Fun Bottom is attractive; the Fun Bottom is wild; the Fun Bottom is the life of the party. The Fun Bottom will do whatever his man tells him to, no questions asked. He never clings, never protests, and never gets mad at his mate. He merely giggles and complies with all your commands. He tells you what you want to hear; to do otherwise would relinquish his claim of the Fun Bottom title.  

When I first met you, I knew you wanted a Fun Bottom, so that is what I became. I shaved my ass raw, contorting my body in inhumanly ways to remove every strand of hair for your pleasure. I ate microwaved meals, cold pizza and drank alcohol at your every request. But somehow, I still managed to remain an extra-small. Fun Bottoms aren’t plus size, and you made that clear from the start. When I wasn’t with you, I exercised excessively and starved myself into oblivion just so my figure could afford another weekend of crappy meals. After all, if I wasn’t stick-thin, how could I be the Fun Bottom?

I was masc when I needed to be and fem when the moment demanded it. I could be your best friend while also being your mother. I cleaned your messes, cooked your meals, and nursed you when you felt ill. But when I inevitably fell victim to the same illness, the tables did not turn. I trained myself to sleep through your snores too. However, if I so much as sniffled, World War Three would erupt beneath our sheets. 

I never cared that you didn’t introduce me to anyone. I was happy to be your dirty little secret. That’s what the Fun Bottom looks for right? Excitement. Thrill. And I was game for all of it.

I must admit that I enjoyed parts of it. You brought out traits in me that I never knew existed and for that, I am grateful. Still, I was a stranger to myself, a stranger to everyone I knew. You moulded me into something that I wasn’t, and I tried to do the same to you. I wanted you to become the man I desired, and you did for a time. I built you into my perfect man. And we were content being other people.

But eventually our masks fell, and we became our true selves. And how could we ever stay in love? Unconditional love wasn’t something that we were privy to. When you forced us to move halfway across the country, you decided to search for a new, livelier, bubblier, Fun Bottom. And do you think I’m about to let that happen after all of the work I’ve put in? No fucking way.  

R. N. Cogley is an Irish author, poet, and Master’s student. His work has been featured in The Wexford Bohemian, Undead Press, With Confetti Magazine, Pop the Culture Pill Magazine, Spellbinder Magazine, ShabdAaweg Review, Provenance Journal, Gutslut Press, and Gay FlashFiction. His first novel, The Elemental Witches, was self-published in July 2020, with The Elemental Witches: Croí Draíochta, following shortly after in February 2021. He attends Waterford Institute of Technology and lives in Co. Wexford, Ireland. You can find him on Twitter @RyanCogley1 or at rncogley.wordpress.com.