Wondering | J.C.

My first crush
was in love with Patrick Dempsey.
So I used to watch Grey’s Anatomy
so I’d have something to talk to her about.

When she got sick
and missed four weeks of school,
I called her and told her
to get better, that I cared about her,
and that we missed her.
I’ll never forget the way she said,
“Uh, thanks,”
as if to say, hey watch yourself,
we’re not that kind of friends.

Seventh grade was hard, man.

the first girl I loved,
loved country music, Beyonce,
and whiskey.
Always offered ass-istance,
asked if I wanted to make
bad decisions.

Never knew what she wanted,
just what she wanted other people to think.

I always wondered what she liked
about me,
a sassy dreadlocked swamp child.

she called me bean sprout.

I wondered and wondered and wondered,
now she’s been gone for four months
and I catch myself still wondering.

I still feel like a seventh grader.

The girl behind the counter at the bike shop
Asks if she can do anything else for me;
I catch myself wishing I were brave enough to say,
Yes, I’d love if you’d come grab coffee with me,
But instead, walk out,
And find myself wondering why I’m still wondering about you.

———
J.C. is a 21-year-old queer genderfuck who’s current primary occupation is being a student at MIT in engineering. J.C. writes about bicycles, bowties, queerdom, depression, anxiety, cooperative living, a manipulative ex-girlfriend, and their roommate’s cat. J.C. has internet personas accessible here and here.

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Vagabond City Literary Journal

Founded in 2013, we are a literary journal dedicated to publishing outsider literature. We publish art, poetry, and creative nonfiction from marginalized creators.

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